A Pablo Report on the Most Unnecessary Drama to Grace Our Screens This Side of Shortland Street
In what can only be described as the most riveting diplomatic incident since someone ate someone else’s lunch in the Beehive staffroom, two of New Zealand’s premier FiveM roleplay servers have found themselves locked in the kind of inter-community beef that would make even the most seasoned Shortland Street scriptwriter weep with second-hand embarrassment.
On one side: Beehive RP, a server apparently named after the building that houses people who are also very good at doing very little. On the other: Māori Name for Auckland RP (you know the one), a server whose very identity is rooted in celebrating Auckland.
A video clip emerged showing what appeared to be Māori Name for Auckland RP’s finest police force — all seven of them — conducting what can only charitably be described as an arrest in the North Shore. Players were alledgedly going out-of-character (OOC) on scene as described by a big fan of ‘daddy himself,’ KCNZ_2000. The kind of behaviour that in serious RP circles is considered roughly equivalent to turning up to a tangi in a Hawaiian shirt. Upon further clarification of a video it appears the incident videographer was purely just asking why a weird e-girl looking AOS member was on scene when there was no firearms reported nor a white Ford Ranger hussing it down K-Road with four delinquent retards in the back.
Beehive’s own camo-cambo Mick Luafangi, clearly a man of measured temperament and diplomatic nuance to make up for the fact you could blind fold him with a shoelace, responded to this footage with the now-legendary proclamation: “DON’T TALK OOC I’LL BAN YOUR ARSE.” A bold stance, truly, but atleast an upgrade from the gooks previous vocal stim of “I AM A HIGHWAY MARKED UNIT WITH A BULLBAR, WHEN IT COMES TO PITTING THAT MOTHER FUCKER YOU WANT ME THERE.”
Adrian Valeteri (Kal) couldn’t help but point this out, noting with the casual cruelty only a fellow police larper player can deliver, that the “entire population of your server” appeared to be right there on screen. A statement which, as Drewman91 later clarified while presenting live server stats like a man who had absolutely been waiting for this moment, was factually defensible — Auckland Labour Party RP had 15 players online and there were 9 at the scene.
1NZSAS Regt. applicant Kori did not comment as he is still banned from Beehive and probably busy somewhere eating a donut.
You do the maths. Actually, don’t bother, someone already did it for you and screenshotted it.
The Diplomatic Summit Nobody Asked For
Enter TøeÑäilPāpī, which appears that he slammed his big forehead against the keyboard when choosing his name, the Auckland representative, arriving in the conversation with the energy of someone who has been wronged, knows they’ve been wronged, and has prepared a brief but passionate PowerPoint in their head about being wronged.
“Can u have a word with ur members plz chur,” he opened, with the restrained elegance of a UN envoy that was denied a happy meal in Albany by their mother.
What followed was a masterclass in two people talking past each other with the efficiency of a Wellington roundabout. School Shooter, representing Beehive, calmly explained that he saw no issue with “pointless banter in a chat,” and that he wasn’t about to “minimod members about shit RP in servers.” He also took a moment to deliver what may be the most passive-aggressive server flex in FiveM history — sharing a live screenshot of Temu Beehive RP’s own status page to suggest that perhaps Kal’s comment about server population was, in fact, merely a statement of observable fact.
TøeÑäilPāpī, to his credit, immediately pointed out the screenshot was days old.
Drewman91, to his credit, then posted a full screenshot of his desktop complete with system clock, timestamp, and timezone converter, and therefore TøeÑäilPāpī proved that for once it is not only American’s that think they are the only country on Earth.
“Note the time and date in my bottom right,” he said, like a man who has never been more alive.
When TøeÑäilPāpī politely suggested that Drewman91 simply speak to his members and ask them to leave the speds that think they could run a server alone — a request so reasonable it almost didn’t belong in this conversation — Drewman91 suggested instead: “Just ban them and move on.”
A conversation was sourced via an OIA Request (someone forgot they were screensharing while playing a game) showing some squeaky fuck representing Maori Name for Auckland RP requesting Beehive that they “be hitler” and just ban players from the server for no real reason other than KCNZ and ‘daddy’ as he referred to the unnamed individual being pussies. This comes only weeks after prominently stating that Beehive was a bunch of Nazi’s. Really odd move from them, obviously no common sense and a severe case of stupidity.
Pablo G.: A Man Undone By A Squeaker
In perhaps the most tragic arc of this entire saga, Pablo G. was banned from Tamaki Makaurau under circumstances that can only be described as deeply unfair to a man who, by all accounts, was having a perfectly good time roleplaying until the universe decided otherwise.
By most reports, Pablo G. had been playing his character with the kind of committed professionalism that most FiveM servers could only dream of — immersed, consistent, a proper little method actor in a digital New Zealand with a side of making fun of JRG getting 0A.
Then a squeaker appeared.
You know the type. Voice like a smoke alarm with opinions. Suddenly the entire server ecosystem shifts. Allegations flew. Slurs may have been exchanged. It is reported that Pablo G., in a moment of passion that perhaps exceeded the boundaries of acceptable server conduct, suggested to said squeaker that his father should have administered a left, a right, and a goodnight — a bedtime routine that, while efficient, is not generally endorsed by Beehive RP’s terms of service.
Pablo G. was banned. The squeaker presumably remains. Justice, as always, is complicated.
KCNZ and the Crumpet Who Commands Armed Offenders
And finally, because no FiveM drama roundup would be complete without at least one baffling staffing decision, we must acknowledge what is happening over at KCNZ, where someone — in a sequence of events that has not yet been fully explained and may never be — has appointed JRG, known to his peers as the Maximum Security Crumpet Officer, to the position of Armed Offender Squad 0A.
Commander. Of AOS. Zero Alpha.
JRG. The Crumpet Officer.
To be clear: the Armed Offender Squad is New Zealand’s elite tactical police unit. 0A is their command structure. And whoever sat down at their keyboard, looked at the applications, looked at JRG’s file — presumably including his extensive crumpet-related service record — and said “yeah, nah, this is our guy” deserves to be studied by organisational psychologists for at least a decade.
We wish JRG all the best in his new role. We hope the crumpets are buttered. We hope the AOS callouts are handled with the same attention to detail he scraps his boss with.
We doubt it. But we hope.
Conclusion
Beehive RP, for all its faults — and this article has catalogued them with considerable enthusiasm — is at least the original product. The genuine article. The name brand weetbix you actually asked for to feed your kids.
Māori Name for Auckland RP is what happens when someone looks at that cereal, thinks “I reckon I could do that,” and comes back from the dairy with something in a slightly different coloured box that tastes vaguely wrong and goes soggy immediately.
It is, in the most affectionate possible sense, a Temu order that arrived three weeks late, slightly the wrong size, and with a customer review section that raises more questions than it answers.
The management structure alone reads like someone put a server together using only vibes and a Discord template they found at 1am. You’ve got staff making unilateral ban threats in active RP scenes. You’ve got a diplomatic envoy sliding into conversation to demand accountability while their own house is held together with cable ties and good intentions. You’ve got internal dramas leaking into other servers’ chats like a council flat with dodgy plumbing.
And the grand vision? The masterplan? The roadmap to becoming the premier FiveM New Zealand experience?
Nuk
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